Yesterday was my 24th birthday so I actively and wishfully checked my Facebook to see how many people would say Happy Birthday to me. This year around 5.8% of my friends in some way wished me Happy Birthday, which is nice, but I was greedily hoping for at least 10%. As a result, I will be bitter for the next couple of days, but will eventually let it go.

I have already compiled the names of those who wished me Happy Birthday into a “treat these people extremely kindly” list, and placed everyone else in a “did not wish me Happy Birthday in 2018” list. When society collapses I will reference these two lists to determine who to save during the subsequent Purge. These hypothetical conversations will begin with something along the lines of: “Remember that time you didn’t wish me Happy Birthday to me in 2018?”

It seems every year the amount of people in the “treat kindly” list decreases, probably because I am a naturally reclusive individual, or because I am unpopular and unpleasant. I predict 2019 will be a lower percentage turnout, but I hope I am pleasantly (rather than unpleasantly) surprised.