As promised, below is my post about dating apps. I usually never write this quickly but turns out writing is a good way to mitigate crippling sadness.

Tinder

I readily admit I do not get a lot of matches here. However, I suspect matches follow thermodynamic distributions, meaning one gets exponentially fewer matches simply by raising their standards. The reverse is probably also true. Sadly my experiences have given me Tinder PTSD so I will likely never return (or at least not until forced to do so by thirst). Special shout-outs to Anna Pond-Lumber, who was the only person I met on the app that I thought was genuinely interesting, non-laborious to talk to, and most importantly kind.

Coffee Meets Bagel (CMB)

Similar to Tinder, I rarely get any matches, but this is probably because I am afforded enough profile space to traumatize potential suitors. Moreover, I am convinced anyone who doesn’t like vocaloid music swiping on my profile is equivalent to those wanting hookups swiping on "no hookups" bios ..cough cough cough..

CMB was the first app I used and so naturally the first time I got ghosted, where I met my ex-gf, and where to my chagrin I realized unclothed profile photos unanimously recieved a more favorable reception compared to clothed ones. One thing that bothers me is the app’s strange bean currency, which allows users to buy matches or to increase the advertising of their profile. The transactional nature of this bean economy and the fact that there are no other uses for beans has never sat well with me. Also unique to this app is a rather high amount of low effort profiles. I suspect the low effort profiles are a form of shielding ones pride, since rejection hurts a lot less if you were sandbagging compared to if you were putting forward your best efforts.

Tantan

No idea why (just kidding I know why) but I seem to get an abnormally high amount of matches using this app. This leaves me overwhelmed and gives me too much anxiety to ever risk swiping right. Also, no idea what happened to one of my only matches, but I heard she got knocked up and is now living somewhere with her cute babies. All this said Tantan is the only app that lets me feel like I am a normal person, which is refreshing because being "exotic" is occasionally exhausting.

Bumble

I remember trying this app once… only to get banned within minutes for shirtless mirror selfies. Otherwise, my good friend Kathleen Fisher tells me it’s alright. She’s rather popular and is quite annoyed the app is so pushy in forcing her to verify herself, suggesting it’s impossible for such beauty to be real.